I already feel bad about being too lazy to starve and tan myself all winter to prepare for one week where I might wear a swimsuit a couple times. Doesn’t the term “beach body ready” start applying in June? I barely had finished eating my chocolate biscuit on Christmas morning before I saw commercials for “Getting ready for Spring!” with a bunch of sweaty, unrealistically happy women throwing rubber balls at each other.

The truth is, I hate working out. I do it because sometimes, I’ll put on my underwear and say, “Meh,” which inspires me to half-ass an elliptical workout for under 30 minutes. With this in mind every year, I begin a painful search for a bathing suit which fills me with a deep sense of self-loathing.

Thankfully, retro-style suits are pretty popular and pretty flattering on big-good-thinged women. I remembered seeing a two-piece on Victoria’s Secret, so I visited the website and was greeted by this…

Seriously?

To me this says, “Shop 300 bikinis that won’t look as good on you.” I decided to go with “high coverage,” which is about as belittling as looking through the “Youth Fiction” section in the bookstore.

I guess for Victoria’s Secret, this is still considered “high coverage”

and everything else was boring, ugly, or black.

And then I went to Modcloth KNOWING that they would have some cute ones… and I found THIS.

because who doesn’t want to look like a floating piece of driftwood at the beach? What in God’s name is this? Who is running Modcloth?

I need to do some uncluttering.

I know this is supposed to be a fashion blog, but it’s also my blog, and I do what I want. In no particular order, here are the most beautiful voices I’ve ever heard:

1. Ed Droste, Grizzly Bear

I’ve never had the urge to cry so often listening to someone’s voice, but there’s something about Ed Droste’s voice that kills me. It could be the combination of his achingly gorgeous voice and muppet-like face. All I know is “Don’t Ask,” along with nearly every song on “Yellow House” is filed under “Music to NOT listen to While on my Period”.

2. Edith Piaf

I’m not ashamed to admit that the first time I actually heard Edith Piaf was while watching My Summer of Love, when Emily Blunt plays this song for her “uncultured” teenage friend. If you haven’t seen that movie, rent it now. Slayed me.

3. Owen Pallett, Final Fantasy

Final Fantasy belongs on this list because even though Owen Pallet has a great voice, he sings with his violin. He’s like a hipster Peter Frampton. I first listened to him when he did the cover of “Peach, Plum, Pear” by Joanna Newsom, and I’m gonna state this right here: SO MUCH BETTER. Speaking of, guess who’s not on this list? : (

4. Rebekah Del Rio

God I love this scene. I love this movie. Though I’ve never listened to anything else Rebekah Del Rio has done, this scene stuck with me for YEARS, and therefore, totally belongs on here.

5. Dolly Parton

It’s totally fine not to like country music, but if you don’t like Dolly Parton, fuck off. Seriously.

6. Florence Welch, Florence and the Machine

I can only say one thing when I listen to this song: yesssssssssssssssssss.

8. Sia Furler

Don’t care if this song is overplayed. Don’t care. Go to 4:30 and tell me that doesn’t make you poop yourself.

9. Zach Condon, Beirut

If you know me, you know that I would practically sell my soul to see Beirut play live. Unfortunately I don’t believe in souls and no one would want mine anyway. Instead I will be forced to fantasize living in an alternate universe where everything I hear is in Zach Condon’s voice. I’m a creep.

First off, I have to say that I was immediately intimidated by the extraordinary fashion and creativity I saw here. This may be strange for people from the city, but at HOME, people go to Starbucks in non-designer, unintentionally haggard-looking sweatpants! It’s crazy, I know.

I will probably harp on the many great and inspirational findings later. Right now, this is something that’s pissing me off.

Everyone knows NYC is full of hipsters. However, I don’t think that means that there are an extraordinary amount of people who are more fashionable or cooler than me. Just a lot of people wearing terrible looking 80s jackets. What is this trend?! Why won’t it stop!?

Fashion, as we know, is cyclical, but it also is strangely predictable. The last 10 years= tacky, the last 20= kitschy, the last 30= cool, the last 40= beautiful, the last 50= glamorous, etc. I can’t remember the others. Should’ve taken better notes in fashion theory.

The point is, you’re not original vintage jean jacket-wearing girl. It’s not fashion, especially if it’s pure imitation. Imitation may be the highest form of flattery, but then think of who you’re flattering. Your MOM’S generation. And what she’s wearing now?Mom jeans and a top from Talbots. BUMMER!

So, because I know that those are from latfh.com, I’ll provide an ACTUAL non-ironic example.

Example A. (taken from “Lookbook” a website that “hypes freshness” based on “fashion consciousness.”

(Since I cant post pictures from the link apparently)

http://lookbook.nu/look/731955-Monday-I-ve-got-Friday-on-my-mind

I must say, I’m a huge fan of vintage, but I think that things need to be mixed, matched, ruffled, torn up, fucked up, tousled, and let loose. That’s when you get creative. Not by watching Paula Abdul videos or wearing your Nintendo shirt from 6th grade. We all loved Duck Hunt, man.

I mean, honestly, without the weird goth rebels of the surrealist movement, we wouldn’t have this:

Schiaparelli, "Skeleton"

Which means we probably wouldn’t have this:

Agatha Ruiz

and we definitely wouldn’t have this:

Alexander McQueen in Lady Gaga's Bad Romance

Think Lady Gaga was original? HA!

mondrian

YSL

Mondrian changed the way that people viewed art, just as the 60s used the same color block pattern to change the way people viewed dresses. Things no longer had to be tailored, mathematics and art were more closely related and examined, and that’s what I like. When art really makes you think.

I was mistaken, I realized today, to think that Renaissance paintings are too dated for me to connect with them on an artistic level. They always seemed to look the same. I could always appreciate the careful strokes and attention to detail, but I felt that they simply provided what would later be replaced with photography. (I know, I know, art historians hate this kind of assumption.)

Anyway, today I realized something I had never noticed before. The highly stylized paintings of high society aren’t stuffy, they’re the equivalent of 18^th century Vogue. Take, for example, this painting I saw today in the Getty by Tissot:

You know the dude was like, “Girl. You look absolutely stunning! I have to paint you.” Granted, the women would probably be under the opinion that it was their money or high status that kept em coming back, but Tissot was all about the clothes. Why do you think he continued to paint this woman in her fabulous pink coat? Cause it was a great coat. (Disclaimer: I am not an art historian, if any of any of you are surprised by this, I apoligize. This is only my Emerson-educated opinion.) But, there is nothing stopping me from thinking that many of these artists were just Anna Wintours, and that makes me like them a lot more.

Back to the thing that I love most about the Oscars (also probably the only part that is actually culturally diverse) and that’s the designer gowns. Not too shabby this year, but nothing exciting, though that’s not really a surprise. Everyone’s got on something Italian, French, or some other something with a bunch of ruffles, one color, and strapless. Yawn.

That girl who was in the movie about drumlines

I have to say that I was so bored with the monochrome fashion pallet that when I finally saw that-girl-who-was-in-the-movie-about-drumline’s dress, I was at least INTERESTED.

So far, a lot of people have put her on the worst dressed list for this, but I think if either the jeweled bodice was gone, or the asymmetrical cummerbund stupid… thing,  this would be a pretty sick dress. Or at least it felt like seeing someone throw up at a boring  black, white, and flesh-colored wedding.

I also hate doing best/worst lists but I’m going to do one right now. Ready? Ready.

BEST

The-girl-who-was-in-HOPE-FLOATS-is-winning-an-Oscar? dress.

3.

I-really-hate-admitting-I-like-her-dress dress.

4.

That-girl-who-was-in-that-movie-I-don't-remember dress

I got no good ones, for this. I like her hair.

WORST

1.

1. 

Boob Flowers: The new tassels.

2. 

When the fabric along the boardwalk is on sale.

3. 

Sweet bubble wrap dress tumor, J. LO!

4.

Meh.

5.

Vera Famiga, dressed like a giant vagina...

I’ve realized I need more color in my life.

While I was combing through some books in Venice Beach today, I came across one of Frida Kahlo. The cover was a close-up portrait, with her gorgeous red lips and tanned skin against a turquoise background, and I thought… God, I wish I could be wearing something like that right now.

So, I decided my slow introduction of color into my wardrobe in celebration of spring and warmth would be based off the glorious Kahlo, and her love of color and brightness, while still possessing enough feminine angst that I can totally dig her style and not feel like a traitor to my sullen side.

I really liked this picture, so I decided to use it for inspiration.

Oof. Love those colors.

Patterson J. Kincaid Daffodil Dress, shopbop, $138

Pashmina Red Shawl, buy.com, $9 (!)

Red Roses Headband, etsy, $15

Ruffles & Ripples Skirt, Anthropologie, $128

Sachin + Babi, Rhoda Bracelet, $190

Cleobella Cantina Mini Bag, shopbop, $99

which is “She’s too thin!” and “This is why girls have eating disorders.”

Before I say what I’m about to say, I have to admit that I agree with those two statements. It is highly unfortunate that most women (even me, right now) see the woman above and think that this represents the essence of beauty, and that we, by comparison, are less beautiful and ultimately, of less worth.

It is even less fortunate that this woman probably sees other models and thinks (in Russian) “Niet God, I have thighs such big.” Obviously there’s a possibility that she could be “naturally thin”  with a “impossibly high metabolism” that has plagued my thin and gorgeous friends most of their lives. But lets be honest, I doubt all of these women have these same god-like genetics.

That being said, this body type as the ultimate for the fashion industry can’t and won’t ever change, and I don’t think it should. I am in no way condoning self-harming behaviors or the influence this body type has on the average woman, but I can say that this body type is perfect for what it is does, and that’s wearing clothes.

I brought this point up to my friend, who seemed a little offended, and that’s understandable, but I need to reiterate that by “wearing clothes” I mean predominately “wearing clothes clothes no one else can wear,” namely couture. Sure, Marilyn Monroe fucking rocked a low v-neck white dress and kitten heels, but that’s because her body type screamed SEXY. Put Agyness Deyn in the same dress and its going to look like a little boy trying on his mother’s clothes.

This is namely because a model’s body is not sexualized, which is why it’s perfect for couture. Without sex appeal, a marvelous dress can be a marvelous dress, without any distractions. It is a curveless body, a desexualized body, and essentially, a blank canvas.

That’s another reason why it’s so hard for voluptuous celebrities to pull of couture, cause they just fuck it up with their awesome curves and sex appeal. Haute Couture is meant to be a stand-alone art, the body only emphasizing the gown, while gowns made for hot celebrities like Beyonce are made to emphasize the body.

See exhibit A:

Amber Rose is CONTINUALLY on worst dressed lists and not because she has bad taste, she just doesn’t know how to dress her body. I have to say I understand, because if I could afford Alexander McQueen I would try to pull it over my large thighs and (awesome) boobs too, but eventually you just have to say “this is not made for me.”

But you know what is?

VERSACE!

See? When something is made for curves, the sexless model types just can’t do it justice like Beyonce can, and that’s pretty bootylicious.

So while I appreciate the beauty and curveless wonders of the model world, I gotta say, I like having boobs, and so do the boys. So while the success of starving yourself onto the catwalk would taste pretty good, so does this veggie burger and side of potato wedges. So I’m gonna go eat that, and I’ll talk to you guys later.

I’m certainly not a person that is straight-laced when it comes to fashion, I’d say I lean towards Kate Moss over Zooey Deschanel, but these shoes were a bit of a stretch for me, based purely on the fact that… well.. how many things can you wear cheetah with?

Naughty Monkey Cheetah Pumps

I know that they don’t seem THAT funky, but my main hang up is that the leather on the back of the heel is brown. Khaki brown. And the only color that you wear cheetah with is black… right? Needless to say I wanted them, BAD, the kitschy pin-up look of them were making me giddy like a little girl in school. (Which is weird, I’ll admit it.)

So I decided to buy them, and now I’m really glad I did. A- because I think I look like a badass, and B- I have nothing like these.

Cheetah and velvet, as well as some other formally nerdy-kids-at-school textiles and patterns are coming back, being recently debuted on the catwalks a few weeks ago (hooray?) While I’m not so keen on velvet, I do like that cheetah is became haute again, mainly because I’m always fascinated when super models and 50 year old hell angel bartenders are wearing a similar look.

Case in point, you need to know how to style it. My suggestions?

Tough, but still chic, leather jacket

Slinky, sexy, white top (T by Alexander Wang)

DKNY skinny, fitted trouser

And though I’m not a big fan of them, you could pull it off with a pair of black high-waisted harem pants.

Harness

I’m also not going to describe where I was when McQueen died, how I felt, and what I did, because it’s a- embarrassing and b- I doubt you care. What I will say, is fashion will be different with Gucci taking over and though I understand why he decided to do it ($$$$$$$$$$$$$$) there won’t ever be another McQueen.

What is it about fashion that makes it OK to skirt certain designers if you think you can emulate the style?? I could probably emulate Warhol, but would I do it and then try to sell it to MOMA? Hell no, because (despite it being weird and the possibility of my incarceration for fraud) it wouldn’tve been my idea and nothing I would do from that point onward would be true Warhol, unless he was sending me telepathic messages for direction (which would be slightly awesome).

I can say that it worked with Lagerfeld taking over for Chanel, but again, it works differently I believe because its a fashion house known or a specific iconic style. McQueen was known for innovation and change. This year his runway show was aquatic themed… who would’ve predicted that besides him?

Anyway, I found this on YouTube and I think it proves my point. Fashion gets a bad rep because it’s associated with some of the worst things about our society: narcissism, overt fetishization of beauty, superficiality, materialism… But skinned to its core fashion is more than designing clothes, it’s art, and I think the designer deserves the same respect for his art as the artist.

If I see one more girl going out on a Friday night wearing flare jeans, black pumps, and a black halter I’m going to pop a blood vessel. I literally can’t understand where this trend came from, and why women think it flatters them.

In fact, I think the biggest culprit here is flare jeans. The flare. That stupid, awkward opening above an ankle that does what? Nothing for a women’s figure except mainly accentuating her New Balance shoes. There used to be a time when flares were just flares. They served a purpose, they were kept on a boat where no one saw them, they were not considered fashionable. But anytime anything is not considered fashionable, someone else has to come along and try to prove the mainstream wrong. Flare jeans are proof that this is not always a good thing.

As much as I hate these jeans, I can understand a woman throwing an old pair on to paint, do groceries, maybe take them out of the closet to feed your new baby (because the only time frame in which you are able to purchase them should be between 1996 and 1999), but wearing them OUT? As a FASHION STATEMENT? This is unacceptable.

Flare jeans first were worn by sailors in the 1800s, and theories change about the reasons why bottoms were flared, but supposedly it was in order to pull the leg up easily in order to do dirty work. See, that makes sense. What follows does not.

In the 70s, the trend became popular in men’s and women’s fashion in the late 1960s, popularized by the hippie culture (cause aren’t the rebels always more attractive?) and reared its ugly head once again in the 90s, when all things terrible came back full force (don’t even get me started on flower print dresses.)

Next to the t-shirt, they are the one item that almost every person can wear in an equally horrible way.

light-wash destroyed flare+ Abercrombie tshirt+ hoodie= high school cheerleader

dark-wash bedazzled flare + racer stripe leather jacket+ oakleys= middle aged man going through a midlife crisis

dark-wash bedazzled flare + metallic halter + gold earrings + platforms= Rumor on a Friday night

Flare+ granny glasses+ paisley = hipster who secretly loves ABBA.

Bottom line is, it’s terrible. And yes, I know that big bell bottoms will one day come back again, and again, and again, and I will still sit scowling on the T as one of the flare-wearers steps on my foot in her skinny heels.

So consider this a nod to the flare, I’ve TRIED to understand why people continue to wear you, albeit unsuccessfully, and now wish upon you permanent and painful death.

Goodbye.